发布时间:2017-02-15 来源: 幽默笑话 点击：
? 它咬人吗 Does He Bite
Reggie:We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him? Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?
Reggie: That's what I want to find out.
? 两块蛋糕 Two Pieces of Cake
Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?
Mom: Certainly----take this piece and cut it two!
? 不算太坏 Not too Bad
Did you sell any of your paintings at the art show?"
"No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one."
? A Silly Father 傻爸爸
Mr. White was watching TV when his eight-year-old son came into the room. He cried, Father, my grandpa just now slapped me in the face. Hearing that, Mr. White became very angry. And then he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said, You beat my son and I dare to beat yours.
怀特先生在房间里看电视，他八岁的儿子走进来哭着说：爸爸，刚才爷爷打了我一耳光。怀特先生听了非常生气，突然，他重重地扇了自己一耳光，说：你打我儿子，我也敢打你儿子。 ? 让座 To Give Up the Seat
Little Johnny says Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Well, you've done the right thing, says Mommy。But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
? 别太自私 Don't be selfish
A mother is admonishing her son.
_Now, John, don't be selfish. Let your little brother share the bicycle with you. _But Mother, I do. I ride it down the hill, and he rides it up the hill.
? A Good Boy 好孩
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.
"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.
"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
"She is the one who sells the candy."
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
? Marry Him 嫁给他
Jane loved Tony , but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me? She asked her mother.Marry him!
? Much Worse 那就更糟
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
? The first time
Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.
Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.
? Money and friend
A: Which do you find more important, money or friends?
B: Friends, of course.
B: I can always borrow money from friends.
? You are too late.你太晚了
On the bus a man discovered a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket.
"sorry," he said to the pickpocket, "you are too late. My wife did it before you."
英语老师问一个学生，“How are you是什么意思” 学生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？” 老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”
老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”
小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
"You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 英语笑话（六）
话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I am后羿！」
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry.
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
two?the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中国人还不是得礼尚往来？！~那就I am sorry three~
这下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry fo
晕，还有完没完啊，还FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，I am sorry five~(who怕 who？！~）
一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
he said:"one car come, one car go, two car peng peng, one car die.
小强转头就对老外说：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see.
老外回答说:Sorry I don’t understand your English. 小强就对售票小姐说：哦，他说他不懂英文.....英语笑话（十二）
上高中的时候，英语老师英文水平颇高，无奈汉语不佳。某日上课，老师讲解"独立结构"，举一经典例句："Our teacher comes into the classroom, book under arm." 然后翻译成中文："老师进了教室，胯下夹 着一本书。"顿时课堂上狂笑不已。
70年代学校里学英文，第一课是：Long Live Chairman Mao. 我等愚笨之辈第一次接触英文，背诵不 出，于是在英文下面加 注，曰：狼来了牵着猫。
1、How much English can you speak?
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."
Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.
"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."
"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"
"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."
Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"
"To be deaf," replied the boy.
"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.
"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.
A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the
2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"
Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"